filthy.x.habits

Dyed hair ~ black clothes ~ vans ~ black nail polish ~ skull and crossbones ~ heavy eye make-up ~ whiney 'slit-your-wrists' music ~ writes poetry (although admittedly not very good at it) ...the list goes on.

'Filthy Habits' - the idea came from a line from Dad's Army. A joke from Pike about the laundry man picking up the nuns' dirty habits.

I'm not a nun. I'm not even Catholic. My parents are missionaries. I've moved around. A lot. Which probably explains a lot about the way I've turned out. When you've lived all over the place, your head gets messed up.

A quick summary of where I am in life right now:

~ I just broke up with my boyfriend of 11 months. Not all that exciting for anyone else, but it's playing quite a big part in my life.

~ I finished work for the summer last week. I'm at uni, so I thought I'd take some time for myself before I go back. As it is, it's just left me feeling very alone. After 3 months of being surrounded by people all day, every day in an office, waking up and facing a whole day of being on your own doesn't sound so great.

~ I didn't exactly love the first year of uni. So the prospect of returning isn't thrilling.

~ I'm a Christian. Or I'm supposed to be. My head's very mixed up about the whole issue. I've been spoon-fed my beliefs my whole life. So now that I've got to make the decision for myself, I guess I can't be bothered. Which sucks, if I'm honest.

Ok, so the important people:

Jake ~ the ex-boyfriend. Still trying to be friends, but it's hard. He didn't take the break-up well at all.
Joe and Mole ~ Jake's best mates. Mole's great, Joe hates me. There's Simon in amongst all this too, but he's an idiot and I don't tend to think about him much!

Jeremy ~ a guy from work. Fantastic guy, huge crush on him. Ended up kissing him at my leaving do a week ago. But we've both said that we'd rather nothing happened. He meant it, I didn't.
Sophie, Kat and Hayley ~ girls from work.
Martyn ~ another guy from work. Not much younger than my dad, so no strange relationship, he just looks after me a lot when I'm feeling down.
Rob ~ yes, another guy from work. Not quite sure where I stand with him. He's 11 years older than me, so I'm not sure whether to be a bit freaked out that he's being very friendly, or to assume that that's all he means. I guess I'll see how things go.

Gee and Anna ~ flatmates at uni. Anna and I get on like a house on fire. Gee drives me nuts a lot of the time! But it's a love/hate relationship.
Ally ~ quite literally an ally. She is probably my best friend at uni. Her parents do the same kind of work as mine, so she gets where I'm coming from. And she's gone a lot more off the rails than I have...!
Ben ~ a guy from uni. Had a bit of a mini-thing with him last year. Yes, when I was going out with Jake. Judge me if you will, but we were hundreds of miles apart and I was lonely. It didn't last long, and now we're friends.

Alex ~ my brother. 4 years younger, utter brat.

There are more - people have a go at me for knowing too many people. But I'll explain who they are as and when I mention them.

Tried writing a blog before. But my friends found it. So of course I had to censor everything I said, and it took the honesty out of it a bit! Hopefully no-one will discover this one.

Another reason people call me an emo is the scars. I have scars. Mainly on my arms, but on my legs and hips as well. Last year was tough, like I said. And I strongly believe that sometimes people need to cut. I'm not saying it's right, but I have felt the relief that comes from slicing skin, and I can't blame anyone for needing to let out some tension.

That's why I started writing this, actually. I was out for Tom's (from work) birthday tonight - Jeremy was there, but nothing happened... And I got a text from Jake when I got home, telling me all about the great night he was having. I felt very, very alone. I was lying in bed, in the dark, and the images started. The scary figures with the sunken eyes and sallow skin. The female one kept ripping out my left eye. I couldn't stand it. I was so scared, and so alone, and I knew that nothing was going to change. I was going to be alone and terrified for the next year at uni. And the only thing I knew to do to get rid of these feelings was to cut. So I did. And I don't feel bad. Just annoyed, since I'm going to have to hide these ones from my mum. At least at uni I don't need to worry about my parents seeing!